I heard the Gay Games were coming to Cleveland this summer, which is going to be great for the city’s enduringly unstable economy, especially for everyone working in the service industry. I just didn’t know that this was an actual thing. I mean, it makes sense in the form of generating pride and social awareness for the gay community; however, it’s confusing to me on an athletic level. I always thought that specialized games, outside of the traditional Olympics, were established because the competitors had certain natural handicaps that prevented them from being able to compete at the highest level. The Special Olympics require competitors to have a documented medical condition. The Senior Games’ participants are handicapped simply by the havoc that age wreaks on the human body. Accordingly, I didn’t know there was need for a Gay Games, since I never considered homosexuality to be a handicap. Now, I find out there’s a whole different talent pool consisting solely of  gay athletes?  And to think, this whole time I’ve just been calling them ‘athletes.’

Anyway, I was going through the event list for the games, and I came across wrestling. My first reaction was, “just when I thought they couldn’t make this sport gayer, somebody goes and makes it official,” but as I continued to think about it, I changed my mind. I think that having wrestling as a sanctioned Gay Games event might actually make it less gay, in the non-literal sense of the word. The thing that makes wrestlers such douche bags is that the gay stigma against the sport makes them highly sensitive to their perceived masculinity, which creates an inherent sense of homophobia in their fruitless efforts to seem straight.

Those of you who know who I am, may be thinking “but Andy, weren’t you a badass wrestler in high school?”  Yes. I was. I don’t know if I would have considered myself a “badass,” but then again, those are your words, not mine.  Nevertheless, any time I would tell someone I was a wrestler, they would always say something along the lines of  “Oh, so you like wearing tights and rolling around with other guys?” Now, you would think, after hearing the same rhetorical question a hundred different times, I’d be able to come up with at least one clever comeback. Not so much. Wrestling is two muscular dudes, in spandex onesies, trying to pin each other to the mat by way of a number of compromising positions….all of the facts are stacked against us. That’s why wrestlers always respond by acting like aggressive, alpha-male meatheads. It’s the only option that they have left.

The gay stigma is a wrestler’s biggest vulnerability. However, in restricting the event to only allow gay athletes, the Gay Games has completely filled that gaping hole, because an openly gay wrestler is fundamentally immune to insult.

Heckler: “Oh, so you like wearing spandex and rolling around with other guys?”

Gay Wrestler: “Uh, yeah…I do. You got a fuckin’ problem with that?”

Do you ever get the feeling that our parents lied to us our entire childhood? For our own good, of course. Children are some of the most selfish, stubborn, people on the planet, but luckily they’re also some of the dumbest. Their minds are easily manipulated, which is good because manipulation seems to be the only way to sculpt them into decent humans.

First, there are the lies they tell us so we behave, which normally center around omniscient fictional characters that reward us for being good. Those are the most fun, the only downside being that discovering the truth viciously sucks all of the magic and wonder from our tiny souls. Then, there are the lies they tell us because we ask awkward questions and they don’t have four hours to spare:  “Go back to bed. Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling.” Finally, there are the lies they tell us simply because we irritate them, and beatings are no longer socially acceptable. Those are all completely understandable. However, there’s one lie they tell that still bothers me to this day, mainly because I’m not convinced it’s in our best interest:  “Study hard, get into a good college, get a good job, and you’ll be happy.

I guess it’s not so much lying to us as it is misleading us by a conscious exclusion of information. They say that hard work now will pay off later, which is true, but they leave out the part where the hard work doesn’t stop. We bust our asses to get those elusive college degrees that we’re told will make life so much easier, and when we finally get them, they’re like “Congratulations! You did it! But now you’re 30 grand in debt, so you should probably just do that forever.” It would be like training months for a marathon, and when you finally get across the finish line someone hands you piece of paper and says, “Good job. Now keep going for the next five decades.”

Too many of us are choosing our career paths based on what will provide us with the financial stability to travel, or start a family, or support our drug habits…you know, things that are actually fulfilling, not spending a third of our lives at a job we hate, taking orders from a boss we want to junk punch (or tit slap…I’m all for equal opportunity), and coming home to the mindless menagerie of crap that passes for entertainment these days.

Our parents have to know that we’ll figure their con out eventually, but by that time we’re already chest deep in an education that we may or may not want, and it’s easier to just commit than to start over. At that point in life, following your dreams is no more realistic than a fat man in a red suit, who constantly monitors children, and isn’t a pedophile. Nobody follows their heart anymore. Luckily, I figured it out my freshman year of college. That’s why I never pursued business, finance, or law; I couldn’t stand the idea of wearing a tie for the rest of my life…

Okay, that last bit was a lie. I didn’t have a direction in college simply because I was an apathetic piece of shit who never developed an appreciation for finance because my parents saw to it that I never wanted for anything. I got high for most of my college career. I came up with all of that other bullshit last week. Sounds good though, right?