Monthly Archives: August 2014

The Necessity of Arrogance

by

Every now and then, I look up at the sky and try to open my mind to the scale of it all. I attempt to fathom how big the universe is, how long it has existed, and just how crushingly irrelevant I am within it. I never succeed. But, I don’t think I fail because it’s an impossible task, in and of itself. I think that I fail because our species is ingrained with a certain degree of narcissism that makes the task impossible. As each of us exists solely within the confines of our own mind, we are born convinced of our own self worth: we exist, therefore it must be for a reason.

Of course, some are more narcissistic than others, a tendency which too often culminates in blind selfishness. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that there is no shortage of people eager to take advantage of as many of their fellow man as will benefit their social advancement. The self-centered individual seems to always be greedily striving toward a single goal, yet never any closer to grasping it. He works shamelessly for nothing but personal gain, convinced that the means are justified by his end, and finding no fault in his lack of compassion; or at the very least, finding the absence of compassion to be a necessary evil of the world.

I used to think that the immense scope of the universe and the arrogance of people within it were conflicting ideas, i.e., that people should not be arrogant because of how large the universe is and how little we know about it; but the more I think, the more I begin to believe that the sheer size of space makes human arrogance necessary for our survival. Think of it like an evolutionary defense mechanism. If the human psyche was ever able to grasp how truly small a person is, it would be instantly crushed by the weight of its own insignificance. There would be no point in doing anything. We would lie in bed all day, slowly deteriorating, crippled by the meaninglessness of our daily lives.

People need to believe that they have purpose in this world, because it’s the only thing that motivates them to keep going, and striving to be better. Only an arrogant man could look up at the immensity of the night sky and believe we are alone in this universe; that the ocean of stars (each representing an object larger and more complex than our imagination will allow us to perceive) serves only to please our sense of sight. Our pretension blinds us, but our lack of vision keeps us focused. I think that’s why philosophers are hardly ever productive members of society:  they don’t see the point.

 

 

Let’s Talk About Cuddling

by

In my professional opinion, I am an excellent cuddler. I’m gentle, yet strong, and I apply the perfect amount of pressure: not so light that it tickles, but not so firm that it causes friction. It’s an art, really, and for the romantically inclined among us, an essential part of the love-making process. Without it, we’re just animals, procreating for the sake of our species. The issue I have with cuddling is that I never get to be the little spoon, which is bullshit, because the little spoon is clearly the better option. Just because I’m a little bit bigger, I have to fall asleep with a tangle of hair in my face, and a left arm that is rapidly losing circulation. I may seem strong on the outside, but it’s just a facade. On the inside I’m a frail young boy! I’m a frail young boy with whimsical hopes and dreams, who draws pictures of mythical beasts taking delight in an assortment of ice cream and buttermilk pancakes! I never color outside the lines, and I yearn to be held!

As a dude, there’s really only one advantage to being the big spoon:  boner pokes. That’s right. Boner pokes. When you wake up feeling the fury, as we so often do, all it takes is a light brush of the tip across the little spoon’s lower back, and all of the important points of your argument are wordlessly communicated. Granted, you may have to give her a few prods so she knows you mean business, but that message is loud and clear. In fact, if your intentions are not comfort but seduction, the big spoon is where it’s at. It offers all of the necessary tools,allowing ideal head positioning for ear nibbles and neck kisses. It grants you a free hand to roam the prairie, exploring all the hills and valleys that the female topography provides, maybe giving the twin peaks a tweak. Then there’s the all too important arm underneath the body, which normally lies there without purpose. Now, it can be used for security, to hold her tight, and make her feel safe; or discourage resistance, depending on your goals.

Although the little spoon is exponentially more awesome (as previously noted), it does make initiating intimacy a much trickier endeavor. Either you have to reach back and feel around blindly, hoping to hit the right button, or you have to turn your body completely around, which, everyone knows, will completely disrupt the flow of the cuddle and force you to start back from square one. Not only will this rudely disrupt your partner’s slumber, but it’s just poor etiquette, and rarely encouraged in practical circumstances.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the gender divide, girl’s are killing it in the snuggle sphere, enjoying advantages from both sides of the mattress, especially for the purposes of seduction. If they’re operating from the little spoon position, and start feeling a little frisky, all it takes is a few subtle tush rubs. It doesn’t have to be aggressive…just enough to wake the dragon. And if they’re working from the big spoon it’s even easier. They just have to come over the top and grab it. Wrangle that one eyed snake. Put it in a choke hold.  You’ll get our attention real quick.

 

* Obviously, this only applies to straight couples. I cannot speak for the gay community, but considering they have identical parts, I just assume they implement some sort of rotation. If only we were all so selfless…I’m looking at you E.E.