If serial killers have taught me anything, it’s that pretending to be something you’re not is a great way to get people to like you. In their case it’s to lull victims into a sense of security before ritual slaughter, but for the rest of us, it’s how we land a job, secure a second date, or generally trick society into accepting us. It’s unfortunate that masking our stranger selves is necessary, because the weird is the best part of a person, and yet we’ve been hard-wired to suppress it by a wide assortment of “adults.” Andrew, get your finger out of your nose. Andrew, leave that goose alone. Andrew, don’t tie your shirt into a bra and lick your areola in study hall.

Whoever had the bright idea to ‘be yourself’ clearly wasn’t predisposed to sarcasm. Smartass kids find out the hard way that their attempts at charm are seldom received well. It’s an epiphany that arrives when some girl you like shouts ‘asshole’ in your face, or asks the all-too-rhetorical ‘What is your problem?’ with a little hot sauce on the last two syllables. Me, personally…I’m short-tempered, I hate small talk, and show affection like a fourth grader. Oh, and I am oppressively horny. Nice. But horny. These are not qualities that will win one friends and accolades. These are traits that should be snuffed out through therapy and drug use…maybe some yoga. I don’t know.

I’m not saying there aren’t individuals who do well with that advice, but those are the unicorns:  the naturally charismatic few with a lighthearted sense of humor and contagious self-confidence. If that’s you, then hell yeah. Do it live. Be yourself in a bowl and make us eat it. You don’t need the advice, though. You’re out there being you to universal applause. Most of us seesaw between crushing loneliness and an urgent desire to be alone. Some of us love people but are cursed with personalities so abrasive that attempts at meaningful connection fail in a fashion so spectacular it discourages us from trying again. Some of us hate people and need six shots of espresso just to get through the day, a principle upon which the entire service industry is built. Accordingly, when you hear someone say they have ‘good people skills,’ they’re really saying that they’re good at holding a smile despite the urge to light someone on fire.

In the end, being yourself is a bad idea for the simple fact that it’s fucking exhausting. It means telling everyone exactly how you feel all day every day and then accepting the consequences. It means calling all people out on everything with which you disagree. Mankind does not come equipped with the time or energy to handle that level of confrontation. If you were to add up all the times you wanted to say something and didn’t, I’d bet my balls that the scales tip heavily toward cowardice, and I feel confident in that because I’m right there with you. Being genuine is a full time job for which the only salary is self-respect, which is admirable, but not often rewarded. So, to whichever guidance counselor advised teenage Andy to be himself, I politely invite you to suck it. What you should have said was “Try to be normal, let your weird out in increments, and speaking your mind is a great way to get punched.”