Monthly Archives: June 2015

I just found out what Nihilism means…so that’s exciting

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I typically try to avoid words that end in “-ism.”  They confuse me.  I’ve been pretending to know what fascism is for well over a decade. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the Nazis, but beyond that—no clue. If I ever do apply an ‘-ism’ in conversation, it’s only because I’m trying to impress people with my big boy words.

Having said all of that, I’m like 80% sure I know what this one means. The basic idea of nihilism, at least in terms of philosophy, is how awesome it would be if nothing existed. No stars. No elements. Not even a black void of empty space, because even that would be something. The concept is as scary as it is impossible to imagine. Give it a shot. Just talking about it here is making me want to slam my head into the desk.

Where did I learn this delightful conversation starter? From a book, bitch. The highly pessimistic author of which, is of the opinion that our self-aware asses popping into existence was one big cosmic fuck up. He also thinks that any objective investigation into whether or not being alive is worth the ticket price, would end in suicide…really uplifting stuff.

It really stuck in my mind because there was one theory in there that I found so depressingly ironic that I had no choice but to laugh like a psychopath. It’s basically a pessimist’s creation story: at first there was god, just chillin’ and thinkin’ about stuff. What kind of stuff? I don’t know. The dude had a lot of time to think. Probably a whole bunch of crazy shit that would make Stephen Hawking drop a load in his pants. He’s God. Get off his nuts.*  So he ends up getting so bored with being that he decides to self-destruct: just fire off all of his matter and energy in every direction. Which is actually pretty understandable, if you ask me. I mean, what’s the point of being all powerful if there’s no one around to see all your cool magic tricks?

Anyway, the point is that God getting fed up and offing himself was the big bang that created the universe, hoping that it would all eventually burn out and allow him to rest in peace. Which means that God did not create us out of love, but self-loathing. And the universe is just one giant crime scene, with the stars and galaxies detailing nothing more than divine blood spatter. Not to mention that our stubborn insistence on surviving is only prolonging his agony. Your every breath is a fat loogie in the face of your creator.

Now, just in case you’re one of those people who is so dug into their worldview that I’ve managed to offend you…relax. I don’t really believe anything I just said. It’s just fun to pull a thread and see where it takes me. When it comes to whether or not god exists, most people just pick one of the handful of provided narratives, and stop thinking about it. But WHY? We’re all just taking our best guess anyway. Why not have some fun with it? Take a shot in the dark. Make something up…irritate your friends and loved ones. Use your fucking imagination.

 

Footnotes

*I realize it’s sexist to refer to God as a man, but trying to tow that gender line makes pronouns an absolute nightmare. So for the sake of simplicity (and a few childish dick jokes) I will be referring to God as a he.

 

The Pros

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#1. You know that scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy has to make the leap of faith into a bottomless pit? So, he closes his eyes and takes a step only to discover there was an invisible bridge in front of him the whole fuckin’ time.* My experience has been a lot like that. Working up the nerve to get on the plane was the most difficult part; and even then, I had a little help from an orange plastic bottle. These days, my boss pretty much handles anything and everything that requires a sense of maturity: rent, utilities, taxes, you name it. Anything with the potential to make me a bigger pain in the ass is handled before the money changes hands.

#2. Yet, to the untrained eye, it actually looks like I’m doing something with my life. It’s a limbo between college and adulthood; a way to seem like a grown up without actually growing up. I highly recommend it to any recent college grads who decided to spend the last four years destroying their bodies instead of preparing for this moment. Well, don’t fret, my stupid friend. Just grab whichever useless degree kept you eligible, and find a job waiting tables until your criminal record gets cleared. Then, get on a Korean Job forum and shotgun that resumé across the internet like its last night’s taco bell. It’s a numbers game, so don’t be afraid to paint the bowl. Maximum coverage is a good thing. It shouldn’t take more than couple weeks, as long as you don’t interview like an asshole. Then bing-bang-boom, you’ve got your very own set of adult world training wheels. Congratulations. In this country, everyone over twenty drinks like the world’s about to end. So you’ll fit in just fine.

#3. There will be some drawbacks, mainly in regard to the languague barrier; like the frequent paranoia that your co-workers are talking about you, in front of you. But on that same note, you don’t have to listen to all of the bullshit that falls out of people’s heads on a daily basis: gossip, workplace drama, opinions grounded in ignorance, etc. Not to mention, the majority of people are going leave you alone. Even panhandlers. They turn to see my pasty face, and just ‘nope’ right back the other way. And sure, every cutlure is going to have there fair share of racist old men, ready to berate a foreigner for no good reason; but they’re a lot easier to deal with when you don’t have a clue what they’re saying.

Footnotes

*And if you don’t know what I’m talking about….what is wrong with you? Stop reading this crap and go watch that movie. I assure you it’s a thousand times more fulfilling than anything I have to say.