Mountain life seems to bring out the crazy in people. Whether it’s the altitude, the isolation, or just the general lack of oxygen; it seems like every single one of us is doing their damndest to hide at least one massive character flaw. I had the misfortune of running into a gentleman* recently who was so jealously possessive of his ex-girlfriend that he stalked her like a rabid, yet loyal rottweiler that no one had the heart to put down. Obviously, this kid suffers from some sort of inferiority complex** that left a gaping hole in the place where normal people keep their self-confidence. Although I did feel sorry for him, his behavior was so repulsively unacceptable that my sympathy was often overshadowed by an intense urge to punch him. Plus, he just has one of those faces.

Part of me still pities him, but a larger part of me can’t help but want to smack people like that; or people who say things like, “But he’s different,” or “She wouldn’t do that to me.”  I hate to break it to you, hon, but “No, he isn’t,” and “Yes, she would;” especially, if you’ve been acting like an asshole. The moment you start trying to control someone else’s actions is the exact same moment you start to lose their respect, and you deserve every ounce of the pain that’s coming your way, because you’ve failed to grasp a very basic aspect of the human condition:  there is only one person in the world that you can truly control, and that’s you.

I’m not saying there aren’t people who love you implicitly and would burn themselves with a cigar lighter before letting you down, but those are your parents, and even their love isn’t guaranteed. I am saying that if you don’t want to die cold and alone, you need to excercise some self-control.  Yet, certain emotions can drastically impair that self-control, with jealousy being the most frequent offender. She can be a slippery bitch if you don’t snuff her out as soon as possible, kind of like Medusa, if instead of turning you to stone, she turned you into a short-tempered asshat with a talent for losing friends. Jealousy is a parasite, and if left untreated it will bring your sanity and your sex life to a screeching halt, just like syphillis.

It always starts small (jealousy, not syphillis):  a compliment here, a late night text there, or perhaps just an inconsistency in their affection. Now, pay attention because this is the important part: once that seed is planted it can only be killed by logic and reason; otherwise, that little fucker will grow like a magic beanstalk until it has wrecked your entire world. The problem here is that human emotions are irrational by nature; so, instead of arriving at the most likely conclusion, our imagination begins to entertain every possible conclusion. To prevent this, you need to think clearly. For example: “Of course my girlfriend isn’t sleeping with the UPS guy, because that is both psychotic and logistically impossible.”

Unfortunately, the line between logic and lunacy is not always so easy to spot. Who among us hasn’t been driven crazy by the thought that our signifcant other is interested in somebody else?  If you approach that question rationally, the answer is “yes”, of course they’re interested in other people. Aren’t you? Are you really such a hypocrite to expect your girlfriend to only want you when you have eyes for several others? There are 7 billion people on the planet, and I promise you, that you are not that special. It’s natural to have romantic feelings for multiple people.

When you inevitably find the one you like most, the important part is to hold on loosely.  Don’t try to tell them who they can hang out with, or undermine their self-esteem in order to improve your own, because that’s not love. That’s manipulation. Most people think of love as finding someone they can’t live without, but that dynamic has more in common with an opiate addiction than a healthy relationship. Real love is finding someone you can live without, but would never want to; and then recognizing that out of all those millions of people, you are the one they chose, and you are the one they continue to choose every single day, so you should probably shut the fuck up and enjoy it while it lasts.

Footnotes

*Did I say gentleman? I’m sorry. I meant childish piece of shit.

**My money’s on micro-penis.