The unsolicited dick pic (henceforeth referred to as the UDP) is an unmistakable blemish on man’s romantic record…and technically assault. Within the algorithmic system of the dating app era, which emphasizes quantity over quality, the UDP is the ultimate low percentage shot, designed to forgo small talk, self-expression, or meaningful interaction of any kind.  Despite its efficiency, this method represents a corrosion of morality previously thought to be impossible, for we have found a way to be both reckless and cowardly. Cowardly and thoughtful? Quite common. Bold and reckless? Even more so. However, to be both unhinged and spineless is a very sad brand of scum that demands our immediate attention.

As a man who has let his weiner do the walking on more than one occasion, I understand the logic. At its core the UDP is a yes or no question; however, not only is the answer almost always ‘no’, but ‘no’ is actually the best case scenario. Alternatively, the recipient of your UDP could laugh at you, or they could say nothing, and there’s no coming back from nothing. You can’t text them a week later, like “so, do you like to travel?” No. You played your hand, and your cards were spinelessness and stupidity. Finally, and ironically, the worst possible outcome is success, because whatever small percentage of women would say ‘yes’ to a man based solely on his semen dispenser do not represent an emotionally stable part of the population.  The type of people who would react optimistically to a spontaneous meat popsicle are a group that suffer from a litany of personality defects, like schizophrenia, pyromania, and an urge to take their socks off on an airplane, just to name a few. This is a group with higher odds of both psychological and sexual disorders, whom I wouldn’t trust with my address let alone exclusive access to my penis.

To the conveyers of gratuitous trouser snakes, I have only one question: what the fuck? Do you care nothing for the mental well-being of our women? Which part of your testosterone-addled brain is telling you that anyone, let alone the object of your affection, wants your naked peen to appear out of the ether? It’s a workday, Brian. Cold calling some poor woman with a snap of your stupid penis is not going to improve her afternoon. In fact, it may scar her for the foreseeable future if not eternity. In addition, the demand for D’s is leagues below it’s female counterpart. The market is saturated with weiners, making it more likely that yours isn’t the only penis they’ve seen that week, and far from the most impressive. The UDP is a high risk-low reward strategy, as likely to give you AIDS as get you laid, and it is — and I can’t emphasize this enough — assault. It may be the lowest form of assault, but it qualifies, and while it may not yet be illegal in your state, I assure you that that legislation is on it’s way.

This is not to say that dick pics are never acceptable. They are, but only under one circumstance: upon request. The UDP is an extreme example of our generation’s tendency to only be bold from behind a keyboard, which is actually the opposite of being bold. Boldness requires vulnerability. Asking someone out is bold because you’re risking the end of a friendship and/or outright humiliation. Are you about to make things awkward forever? Maybe. Only one way to find out. People who are comfortable in social situations didn’t come upon that skill set by chance. It’s a talent acquired through trial and error. The only way to stop these budding romantic opportunities from being awkward is to short circuit your emotional reflex. Steep yourself in so many awkward situations that they cease to be awkward. It’s a similar process by which your body forms scar tissue. You do something risky, get cut, and form a defensive layer that protects you from getting cut again. Sure, a scar can be seen as a warning to never do that thing again, but I prefer to see it as proof that you DID something dangerous and came out the other side intact. So, be a man and show her your penis in person.*

FOOTNOTES:

*Just kidding. It’s still assault.