In my professional opinion, I am an excellent cuddler. I’m gentle, yet strong, and I apply the perfect amount of pressure: not so light that it tickles, but not so firm that it causes friction. It’s an art, really, and for the romantically inclined among us, an essential part of the love-making process. Without it, we’re just animals, procreating for the sake of our species. The issue I have with cuddling is that I never get to be the little spoon, which is bullshit, because the little spoon is clearly the better option. Just because I’m a little bit bigger, I have to fall asleep with a tangle of hair in my face, and a left arm that is rapidly losing circulation. I may seem strong on the outside, but it’s just a facade. On the inside I’m a frail young boy! I’m a frail young boy with whimsical hopes and dreams, who draws pictures of mythical beasts taking delight in an assortment of ice cream and buttermilk pancakes! I never color outside the lines, and I yearn to be held!
As a dude, there’s really only one advantage to being the big spoon: boner pokes. That’s right. Boner pokes. When you wake up feeling the fury, as we so often do, all it takes is a light brush of the tip across the little spoon’s lower back, and all of the important points of your argument are wordlessly communicated. Granted, you may have to give her a few prods so she knows you mean business, but that message is loud and clear. In fact, if your intentions are not comfort but seduction, the big spoon is where it’s at. It offers all of the necessary tools,allowing ideal head positioning for ear nibbles and neck kisses. It grants you a free hand to roam the prairie, exploring all the hills and valleys that the female topography provides, maybe giving the twin peaks a tweak. Then there’s the all too important arm underneath the body, which normally lies there without purpose. Now, it can be used for security, to hold her tight, and make her feel safe; or discourage resistance, depending on your goals.
Although the little spoon is exponentially more awesome (as previously noted), it does make initiating intimacy a much trickier endeavor. Either you have to reach back and feel around blindly, hoping to hit the right button, or you have to turn your body completely around, which, everyone knows, will completely disrupt the flow of the cuddle and force you to start back from square one. Not only will this rudely disrupt your partner’s slumber, but it’s just poor etiquette, and rarely encouraged in practical circumstances.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the gender divide, girl’s are killing it in the snuggle sphere, enjoying advantages from both sides of the mattress, especially for the purposes of seduction. If they’re operating from the little spoon position, and start feeling a little frisky, all it takes is a few subtle tush rubs. It doesn’t have to be aggressive…just enough to wake the dragon. And if they’re working from the big spoon it’s even easier. They just have to come over the top and grab it. Wrangle that one eyed snake. Put it in a choke hold. You’ll get our attention real quick.
* Obviously, this only applies to straight couples. I cannot speak for the gay community, but considering they have identical parts, I just assume they implement some sort of rotation. If only we were all so selfless…I’m looking at you E.E.