Tag Archives: God

I just found out what Nihilism means…so that’s exciting

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I typically try to avoid words that end in “-ism.”  They confuse me.  I’ve been pretending to know what fascism is for well over a decade. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the Nazis, but beyond that—no clue. If I ever do apply an ‘-ism’ in conversation, it’s only because I’m trying to impress people with my big boy words.

Having said all of that, I’m like 80% sure I know what this one means. The basic idea of nihilism, at least in terms of philosophy, is how awesome it would be if nothing existed. No stars. No elements. Not even a black void of empty space, because even that would be something. The concept is as scary as it is impossible to imagine. Give it a shot. Just talking about it here is making me want to slam my head into the desk.

Where did I learn this delightful conversation starter? From a book, bitch. The highly pessimistic author of which, is of the opinion that our self-aware asses popping into existence was one big cosmic fuck up. He also thinks that any objective investigation into whether or not being alive is worth the ticket price, would end in suicide…really uplifting stuff.

It really stuck in my mind because there was one theory in there that I found so depressingly ironic that I had no choice but to laugh like a psychopath. It’s basically a pessimist’s creation story: at first there was god, just chillin’ and thinkin’ about stuff. What kind of stuff? I don’t know. The dude had a lot of time to think. Probably a whole bunch of crazy shit that would make Stephen Hawking drop a load in his pants. He’s God. Get off his nuts.*  So he ends up getting so bored with being that he decides to self-destruct: just fire off all of his matter and energy in every direction. Which is actually pretty understandable, if you ask me. I mean, what’s the point of being all powerful if there’s no one around to see all your cool magic tricks?

Anyway, the point is that God getting fed up and offing himself was the big bang that created the universe, hoping that it would all eventually burn out and allow him to rest in peace. Which means that God did not create us out of love, but self-loathing. And the universe is just one giant crime scene, with the stars and galaxies detailing nothing more than divine blood spatter. Not to mention that our stubborn insistence on surviving is only prolonging his agony. Your every breath is a fat loogie in the face of your creator.

Now, just in case you’re one of those people who is so dug into their worldview that I’ve managed to offend you…relax. I don’t really believe anything I just said. It’s just fun to pull a thread and see where it takes me. When it comes to whether or not god exists, most people just pick one of the handful of provided narratives, and stop thinking about it. But WHY? We’re all just taking our best guess anyway. Why not have some fun with it? Take a shot in the dark. Make something up…irritate your friends and loved ones. Use your fucking imagination.

 

Footnotes

*I realize it’s sexist to refer to God as a man, but trying to tow that gender line makes pronouns an absolute nightmare. So for the sake of simplicity (and a few childish dick jokes) I will be referring to God as a he.

 

Andy Cuts Himself (and it’s all your fault)

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It’s always irritating to me when certain individuals (you know who you are) jump into in-depth discussions about the “big questions” in life (i.e., who are we, why are we here, etc.). It’s not because the questions don’t interest me, because they do. I think it would be rare to have the capability for critical thought and not consider what this is all for. The discussions bother me because people scarcely consider options beyond the scope of their general system of beliefs.  If we both agree, for the sake of civility, that God does exist and has a general plan for creation, very few individuals will consider the prospect that humanity is not a central part of that plan. The God premise always seems to come with the built in assumption that people are his greatest creation. I think it more likely that we’re just a rough draft of a more civilized race he was working on, or an experiment in free will that got out of control.

Maybe Satan’s rebellion and subsequent fall made God think that maybe, just maybe, he was too controlling of his creations and should breath life into a sentient being with the freedom to choose: something with the option to resent, and rebel, and serve only themselves. If he just instilled in them the capacity for love, then maybe, just maybe, they would choose to be caring and selfless and good, and would in turn create something even more beautiful. Then we popped into existence and fucked it all up. I used to think that the simple fact of our existence meant that we had an ultimate purpose, because why else would he allow us to so ruthlessly dominate this planet without penalty? Now I’m not so sure. Now, I think that he permits our continued existence because he can see how the events unfold and has stepped aside to let us barrel headlong into our own destruction, saving him the trouble. Alternatively, there’s the idea that mankind is just a pawn, inventing and engineering things we don’t understand so a more deserving species can take the reins when we’re gone.  Maybe we’re just renting this planet until the real tenants get here and evict us, like the Book of Joshua*, but with aliens.

Even with the knowledge that there are billions of galaxies and trillions of stars with innumerable planets orbiting them, human arrogance still has us convinced that we somehow play an important role in the whole scheme of time and space; and further, that the mere fact or our existence qualifies us for an eternity of happiness. Just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and don’t do irreparable damage to another human being, and heaven awaits. HA! Maybe God keeps this planet around for entertainment, so he has a species he can vent his aggression on without feeling guilty, like a giant stress ball hanging in space. Any time he’s irritated, he sends a comet whizzing past just to see us scramble, or whips up a hurricane just because he feels like breaking something. In his defense (or my defense), tragedy really is the only thing that makes us shut the fuck up and exercise some human decency. At least when the disasters are natural, there’s no country or group of people we can use as an outlet for our grief and anger, because if we can blame someone, we will, regardless of how weak the connection:

“Let’s go kill those people!”

“Why?”

“Because they look vaguely similar to the physical manifestation of my hatred and fear!”

We are, as a whole, the worst thing that has ever happened to this planet, and while it will be a bummer, I won’t be surprised in the slightest when we finally get wiped out.

 

* For those readers who aren’t familiar, the Book of Joshua is when God finally makes good on bringing the Israelites to the promised land by helping them conquer the people that are already there.