Tag Archives: love

Jealousy: Envy’s Psychotic Younger Sister

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Mountain life seems to bring out the crazy in people. Whether it’s the altitude, the isolation, or just the general lack of oxygen; it seems like every single one of us is doing their damndest to hide at least one massive character flaw. I had the misfortune of running into a gentleman* recently who was so jealously possessive of his ex-girlfriend that he stalked her like a rabid, yet loyal rottweiler that no one had the heart to put down. Obviously, this kid suffers from some sort of inferiority complex** that left a gaping hole in the place where normal people keep their self-confidence. Although I did feel sorry for him, his behavior was so repulsively unacceptable that my sympathy was often overshadowed by an intense urge to punch him. Plus, he just has one of those faces.

Part of me still pities him, but a larger part of me can’t help but want to smack people like that; or people who say things like, “But he’s different,” or “She wouldn’t do that to me.”  I hate to break it to you, hon, but “No, he isn’t,” and “Yes, she would;” especially, if you’ve been acting like an asshole. The moment you start trying to control someone else’s actions is the exact same moment you start to lose their respect, and you deserve every ounce of the pain that’s coming your way, because you’ve failed to grasp a very basic aspect of the human condition:  there is only one person in the world that you can truly control, and that’s you.

I’m not saying there aren’t people who love you implicitly and would burn themselves with a cigar lighter before letting you down, but those are your parents, and even their love isn’t guaranteed. I am saying that if you don’t want to die cold and alone, you need to excercise some self-control.  Yet, certain emotions can drastically impair that self-control, with jealousy being the most frequent offender. She can be a slippery bitch if you don’t snuff her out as soon as possible, kind of like Medusa, if instead of turning you to stone, she turned you into a short-tempered asshat with a talent for losing friends. Jealousy is a parasite, and if left untreated it will bring your sanity and your sex life to a screeching halt, just like syphillis.

It always starts small (jealousy, not syphillis):  a compliment here, a late night text there, or perhaps just an inconsistency in their affection. Now, pay attention because this is the important part: once that seed is planted it can only be killed by logic and reason; otherwise, that little fucker will grow like a magic beanstalk until it has wrecked your entire world. The problem here is that human emotions are irrational by nature; so, instead of arriving at the most likely conclusion, our imagination begins to entertain every possible conclusion. To prevent this, you need to think clearly. For example: “Of course my girlfriend isn’t sleeping with the UPS guy, because that is both psychotic and logistically impossible.”

Unfortunately, the line between logic and lunacy is not always so easy to spot. Who among us hasn’t been driven crazy by the thought that our signifcant other is interested in somebody else?  If you approach that question rationally, the answer is “yes”, of course they’re interested in other people. Aren’t you? Are you really such a hypocrite to expect your girlfriend to only want you when you have eyes for several others? There are 7 billion people on the planet, and I promise you, that you are not that special. It’s natural to have romantic feelings for multiple people.

When you inevitably find the one you like most, the important part is to hold on loosely.  Don’t try to tell them who they can hang out with, or undermine their self-esteem in order to improve your own, because that’s not love. That’s manipulation. Most people think of love as finding someone they can’t live without, but that dynamic has more in common with an opiate addiction than a healthy relationship. Real love is finding someone you can live without, but would never want to; and then recognizing that out of all those millions of people, you are the one they chose, and you are the one they continue to choose every single day, so you should probably shut the fuck up and enjoy it while it lasts.

Footnotes

*Did I say gentleman? I’m sorry. I meant childish piece of shit.

**My money’s on micro-penis.

I Met A Girl

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It’s too rare

that someone walks into your life

and immediately takes hold.

So, I’ll pursue

In the hope that maybe

Just maybe

She can make the sadness go away.

 

I know better, though.

The sadness never leaves for good.

He just goes away for awhile,

granting me a small reprieve

to see her face

and be happy.

 

He knows

that down the road

she can be used against me,

like the first.

He knows

that the deeper I allow her roots to stretch,

the more of my soul she’ll tear out when she goes.

 

Then the sadness will return,

with the girl on his arm

and a shit grin on his face,

eager to make up for lost time,

like an old friend that likes to watch me suffer.

 

On that day,

I won’t resist,

or hold a grudge.

I won’t curse my god or myself.

I’ll just break out the bottle,

grab two glasses and smile

 

because fuck him.

Just Think About It

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These days, as I sit on Facebook feeding the delusion that I have a lot of friends, I see all of these people my age getting engaged, or married, and it saddens me: heart, mind, and penis. Which is weird, because those three are almost never on the same page. Normally, my dick and heart fight like self-entitled brats while my brain just tolerates them as necessary byproducts of his existence. My brain’s like “Just leave me alone, don’t break each other, and we’ll be fine.” However, on the issue of marriage, the three of them form a united front.

The traditional debate between married life and single life would have me parroting some sex driven frat boy vernacular about how great it is to be a manwhore. Have no fear, dear reader. I only make brief mention of my genitalia to publicly acknowledge that they have been the source of many a bad decision in my short lifetime, and to discourage the general population from trusting their own. The reckless spread of one’s genetic juices comes with just as high a risk of destroying personal potential as marriage does, but instead of taking care of a full grown person, you’ll be responsible for a much smaller and stupider person; I’ve heard those are much more difficult to keep alive.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to the concept of marriage. I’m opposed to people rushing into a lifetime commitment because they think they should, like it’s the next chapter in some metaphysical field guide on how to live. Instead of making independently informed decisions, they look to the model that society has set up for them: go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, raise kids, retire. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with living that way, as long as that’s what you truly want. It’s just that some people seem so anxious to meet their own self-imposed life obligations that they lock on to the first person with whom they’re compatible and don’t let go, just so they can check one more thing off their to-do list.

Now, before you write me off, know that this particular brand of cynical douchery comes from a place of love. I truly want (most of) you to be happy, so I poke holes in your emotional certainty. If you’re in love, then hell yeah. Just make damn sure that it is real love, because infatuation can be a sneaky fucker. It goes parading around as passion, making you feel deep affection toward your significant other, but blinding you to their inevitable drawbacks. One second, they can do no wrong, and the next, you’re in a screaming match over a few stray pubes on the toilet seat.

Follow your heart, but give your brain ample time to cross-examine. Move in with them for a while. Think on it for half a decade or so, because why wouldn’t you take the time to be absolutely certain? The rest of your life will still be waiting for you when you’re done.