I heard some idiot at the bar say this the other day, and I call him an idiot because he seemed to genuinely believe he would enjoy dating a porn star, which means that he didn’t think it all the way through before opening his face, leaving me with no choice other than to crap all over his hopes and dreams. Allow me to elaborate.

If he had said, “It would be cool to have sex with a porn star,” I would have let that slide, because that sounds like a typical drunk guy thing to say. That’s what porn stars do for a living, after all, so I’m sure it would be a lot of fun (given enough condoms). However, he did not say he wanted to ‘have sex’ with a porn star, he went the extra mile to specify that he wanted to “date” one.

At first, I had trouble just wrapping my head around the insanity of the concept of wanting to emotionally invest yourself in someone who has sex on camera as a profession. Can you imagine the level of baggage they would be carrying? I mean, daddy issues are a given, and I think we can safely add narcissism to that list as well; because let’s face it, if you’re stripping down and getting pounded for millions of strangers, you have an over abundance of confidence. But those are just the universal psychological issues. That’s your baseline. And I’m sure each individual girl has her own exciting collection of emotional traumas, but this is just the introductory part of the relationship…the getting to know you phase. Don’t want too get too crazy too quick.

If you do happen to move past the first phase; if by some Hail Mary from the bowels of hell, some god-forsaken miracle of Satanic inception, you manage to fall in love with that girl…then you’re really fucked. I get pangs of jealousy when my girlfriends hug people I didn’t know. I can’t even imagine having to kiss her goodbye every morning, KNOWING that she’s going to go get tag teamed by two of her co-workers. That’s not just a jealous fear anymore. That’s not your irrational insecurities putting ridiculous images in your head. That’s a fact now. You have to face yourself in the mirror knowing that the love of your life is willingly walking into a gang bang…arms (and orifices) wide open.

Sounds to me like my own personal hell. I would rather wipe my butt with sandpaper for a year than voluntarily subject myself to that sort of torture.

The same thing goes for any guys who think it would be awesome to date an actress. You’re also an idiot. Most guys have a hard time trusting their girlfriends as it is, and most girls are terrible liars. Now you want to date someone whose yearly earnings are based on how well she can lie? That is what an actress is, after all. Someone who gets paid to pretend to be other people, a.k.a., lying. Do you really want to get emotionally involved with a person that fakes emotions professionally?

You guys need to think this through and stop focusing so much on the part where they’re hot and famous. That is a very small aspect of the overall picture; and let’s be honest, you don’t care about the relationship, you just want to be able to tell people you’re dating an actress. You can still do that, without all of the jealousy and frustration. Granted, everyone will probably think you’re a crazy person, but that’s better than dating one.