I typically try to avoid words that end in “-ism.”  They confuse me.  I’ve been pretending to know what fascism is for well over a decade. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the Nazis, but beyond that—no clue. If I ever do apply an ‘-ism’ in conversation, it’s only because I’m trying to impress people with my big boy words.

Having said all of that, I’m like 80% sure I know what this one means. The basic idea of nihilism, at least in terms of philosophy, is how awesome it would be if nothing existed. No stars. No elements. Not even a black void of empty space, because even that would be something. The concept is as scary as it is impossible to imagine. Give it a shot. Just talking about it here is making me want to slam my head into the desk.

Where did I learn this delightful conversation starter? From a book, bitch. The highly pessimistic author of which, is of the opinion that our self-aware asses popping into existence was one big cosmic fuck up. He also thinks that any objective investigation into whether or not being alive is worth the ticket price, would end in suicide…really uplifting stuff.

It really stuck in my mind because there was one theory in there that I found so depressingly ironic that I had no choice but to laugh like a psychopath. It’s basically a pessimist’s creation story: at first there was god, just chillin’ and thinkin’ about stuff. What kind of stuff? I don’t know. The dude had a lot of time to think. Probably a whole bunch of crazy shit that would make Stephen Hawking drop a load in his pants. He’s God. Get off his nuts.*  So he ends up getting so bored with being that he decides to self-destruct: just fire off all of his matter and energy in every direction. Which is actually pretty understandable, if you ask me. I mean, what’s the point of being all powerful if there’s no one around to see all your cool magic tricks?

Anyway, the point is that God getting fed up and offing himself was the big bang that created the universe, hoping that it would all eventually burn out and allow him to rest in peace. Which means that God did not create us out of love, but self-loathing. And the universe is just one giant crime scene, with the stars and galaxies detailing nothing more than divine blood spatter. Not to mention that our stubborn insistence on surviving is only prolonging his agony. Your every breath is a fat loogie in the face of your creator.

Now, just in case you’re one of those people who is so dug into their worldview that I’ve managed to offend you…relax. I don’t really believe anything I just said. It’s just fun to pull a thread and see where it takes me. When it comes to whether or not god exists, most people just pick one of the handful of provided narratives, and stop thinking about it. But WHY? We’re all just taking our best guess anyway. Why not have some fun with it? Take a shot in the dark. Make something up…irritate your friends and loved ones. Use your fucking imagination.

Footnotes

*I realize it’s sexist to refer to God as a man, but trying to tow that gender line makes pronouns an absolute nightmare. So for the sake of simplicity (and a few childish dick jokes) I will be referring to God as a he.