As I explained on the About Me page of this blog, I can be somewhat of a….what’s the word….a dick.  I’m not sure why I act this way, and honestly the only reason I classify my behavior as “dickish” is because the majority of people to whom I express my inner thoughts objectively agree on that fact.  In my opinion, a knack for tactless confrontation should be a respectable skill set, and everyone should be able to endure criticism without taking offense; but alas, I’m one of very few who hold that conviction.  I assume that it’s just coded in my DNA:  I’m a blunt person who doesn’t understand how to gauge levels of personal sensitivity in a social setting.  Therefore, the thought that forms in my head seems fine, but only because my brain, with it’s distorted perception, is the only one analyzing it.  He just gives it a quick once over, shrugs, and says “looks good to me” before going back to his newspaper.  It’s not until I process the wide-eyed and open-mouthed reactions from my peers that I realize a line has been crossed and I should begin apologizing to someone (if not everyone) immediately.  Sometimes I wish I had a split-personality, solely for the sake of proofreading.  That way, I could talk it over with one or more different people (depending on the severity of my schizophrenia) and hold a little workshop before I open my mouth and send a thought out into the world.

I really don’t mean to be discourteous, but it just comes to me naturally.  I analyze people’s behavior and call them out on it if I think they’re being dishonest or out of line.  They don’t always take it well, especially those pretentious ass hats who are in such a  magnificently ignorant denial of their faults that they’ll be offended if someone even suggests that they have any.  This list features, but is not limited to, assholes, dimwits, douche-nozzles, and dumb sluts.  Now, the first three could be lumped into a venn-diagram where all sectors converge on a single point, because while they have their subtle differences, they are interchangeably stupid and almost exclusively male.  However, there is a specific subset of the concave gender who can be classified as “dumb sluts” because they are self-centered, irrational, morons with so little self-confidence that they will do just about anything for attention. Even anal. Especially anal.  As soon as some testosterone driven shit skull realizes how vulnerable D.S. is, the B-hole will be an immediate topic of conversation.

Unfortunately, it’s not polite to point out these types of character flaws in other people, and on most accounts, it’s downright rude, but I see flaws as a necessary part of the personality and assume that everyone else on the planet should do the same.  If you’re going to sleep around, sleep around.  If you’re going to be cynical, be cynical.  Just don’t pretend like you’re not.  Fucking own it.  I feel like there are so few people who are willing to take a step back  and question their own motives.  Do I dress this way because I like it or because I see other people dressed this way and want to feel included?  Am I unjustly generalizing the opposite sex as the result of a handful of bad personal experiences?  Is my temporary happiness coming at the expense of those around me?  But hell, I don’t think any true born, heart-and-soul douche bag would be able to get past the most important question:  Is there any chance that I’m not really this awesome and am living up to an ideal that I’ve subconsciously constructed in my mind?

I’ll admit right here that I’m a cardinal offender of living up to an ideal.  I idolize fictional characters like Ferris Bueller, Hank Moody, and Stephen Colbert (I know Colbert isn’t fictional, but he plays a character, so eat a dick).   I admire wit and charm, and unshakable confidence, which is probably why I feel the need to be a jerk-off in the first place.  I’m trying to be witty and bold, when I’m really mistaking arrogance for confidence, and picking apart other people’s insecurities in an effort to distract from my own.  So, in reality, I’m equally, if not more hypocritical than the people I judge.  I’m just more articulate.