This is an idea I had during my freshman year of college when high school graduation was fresh in my mind, and in particular, the hundreds of thank-you cards that I had to write following my graduation party.  As I sat there in my dorm room, ready to spark a freshly packed bowl, I thought about what those cards would have said if I had been less ideal about the content, and more realistic. In essence, what if I told my friends and family the truth about how I would spend their money instead of just what they wanted to hear? Naturally, I embellished in some areas, but this is what I came up with.

Dear Uncle Jeff and Aunt Mary,

I just wanted you to know how grateful I am that you were able to attend my high school graduation party, and for your investment in my future.  I would like to inform you that it will be put to good use and assist me in furthering my education, but I would be lying.  In reality, your donation will encourage the opposite.  Along with a collection of hard-earned money from various other relatives, I will be taking your generosity straight to the smoke shop to purchase an unnecessarily over-sized bong with more chambers than a human heart.

I promise to spend hours of valuable study time smoking myself to the borders of mental paralysis, and watching South Park reruns interspersed with internet porn. On the days that I am able to fight off the soothing ebb and flow of apathy and assemble the motivation to attend class, I will be waaay too high to pay attention but will instead doodle and admire the aesthetic perfections of my more motivated classmates.

Now I may not always have sufficient food or the proper classroom materials, but there is no doubt that, at any given time, I will have more weed than a Mexican cancer patient. While I know living in a smoke induced haze doesn’t seem to be an efficient use of the short time I have in college, it will help me to tolerate the morons and assholes; and with an undergraduate population of over thirty thousand, Ohio State is guaranteed to be infested with them. Therefore, any dreams you may have had about me gaining a respectable occupation and achieving fiscal success, I will be forced to crush. But look on the bright side: at least I won’t be an asshole.

Sincerely, Your Nephew,

Andrew

P.S.  I may not be learning, but I’ll always be burning.